


you don't have to say you love me

by attolians (annber)



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Post 3x10, Questioning Sexuality, an overabundance of the term cariño, no beta we die like men, questionable morals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-24
Updated: 2020-01-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:55:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22385242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annber/pseuds/attolians
Summary: Struggling to keep up with everything happening, Buck’s brain finally catches up to his mouth. His eyes widen and his throat tightens in something that feels a lot like panic.“What?” Eddie asks.What! Buck’s brain protests.“What?” Buck closes his eyes tightly for a second. He leans forward and places his beer on the coffee table. “Uh. I-I mean. That came out wrong.”Nope. No, it definitely did not.“It’s definitely. I mean. We work together. It would…” he trails off finally, his hands jerking in a silent help me motion.“It’s okay,” Eddie supplies. “It would just be sex.”...Or the fic where Buck figures out he may or may not be bi (he is) and Eddie may or may not offer to show him the ropes (he does) but they're just bros (they are not.)
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 41
Kudos: 661





	you don't have to say you love me

**Author's Note:**

> ok the first thing I want to say is I wrote this really fast. this is my first time in the fandom so I'm sorry for any ooc. 
> 
> unbeta'd sorry for any mistakes. 
> 
> lastly, I do not have kids. I don't know how creepy it is if they have sex while christopher is in the house asleep. if it is, sorry I was lazy. christopher definitely 100% does not wake up if that helps at all. 
> 
> any translations are from google. 
> 
> I think that rounds out my apologies.

It’s not that he worries anyone in the station will judge him. That’s not why he’s hiding it. It’s just…

Well. It’s embarrassing.

Buck isn’t a stupid kid. He isn’t an impulsive teenager. He’s an adult. Like, a real, full fledged adult. He has a real job. He has his own place and he pays his bills on time.

He’s not supposed to be confused about who he is anymore. He’s supposed to know everything about himself. He’s supposed to know his likes, his dislikes, his allergies, etc.

So, it’s not that he thinks his friends will judge him.

He just thinks he should have known before now that he’s attracted to men too.

Don’t people normally…know? Or don’t they at least figure it out before they fall for their best friend?

Just thinking about it Buck’s face heats in embarrassment.

It started simply. With small thoughts. But they collected and then they coalesced until Buck found himself swept away in the tide of them.

He went from wondering what it would be like to hold Eddie’s hand to wondering what his mouth would taste like – what it would be like to wake up beside him.

It was an odd sort of progress really.

Buck had spent most of his adolescence obsessing over sex. It felt good…it felt amazing. And sex became an important way of communicating for Buck.

That had certainly lessened for him recently, but he still would have expected any sort of attraction to start there. With thoughts of lust and falling into Eddie’s bed.

It hadn’t though.

Buck wondered for weeks about what dating Eddie would be like before it even occurred to him that sex with a man would be different.

Well, he’s not a total idiot.

But as far as the actual…mechanics… Buck wasn’t sure.

He could watch all the gay porn he wanted. He could even run increasingly embarrassing searches on an incognito tab. But that wouldn’t tell him what sex with a man was actually _like_.

But did having affectionate feelings for Eddie even mean that he wanted to sleep with a man?

Buck groans quietly to himself.

Was trying to jump into a relationship with a man the best way to find out?

He had too many questions and not enough answers. As usual.

Which led him back to his most current problem.

Tinder.

More specifically, a Tinder profile full of men. 

In a lot of ways Buck felt like he’d never done this before.

He didn’t even know what he was looking for.

But maybe he could find someone that could fill the Eddie shaped void in his life.

Eddie and Christopher were _way_ too important for Buck to risk screwing up over some hormones or phase or whatever else this could be.

If it wasn’t permanent…if it wasn’t real…he couldn’t take the risk.

That was assuming Eddie wasn’t straight anyway.

Even though they were best friends, they’d never explicitly discussed sexuality.

Eddie certainly doesn’t have a problem touching Buck. They’ve been pretty tactile since go. But that could just be Eddie being comfortable in the fact that he was, in fact, straight.

In any case, Buck should be glad they haven’t discussed it because he’s apparently an idiot unable to understand his own feelings and desires. If they’d discussed it before, Buck technically would have lied if he’d told Eddie that yes, he was strictly into women.

Half of Buck wishes there was a big pause button he could press on his life. He just…needs time to try and figure all of this out. But he feels guilty for the thought pretty quickly too. All the pauses he’s had recently were longer than he wanted and incredibly painful to boot. He’d better not wish for anything of the sort.

He looks down to his phone again, the screen having gone dark some time ago. With a sigh, Buck wakes it.

He’s still on the same profile he was before. James. 31. James was good looking but Buck didn’t feel anything looking at his picture.

Were you supposed to? Was online too disconnected to expect sparks right away? Or was it the fact that Buck already had a crush in mind and he was subconsciously comparing these men to Eddie?

Sighing again, he swipes left.

Maybe…maybe he’ll just…know. Maybe it won’t be a spark but it will be _something_ that tells him: ‘yes, this is a guy you are interested in. because you are interested in men. you big dumb dumb.’

Buck swipes through the next two profiles brutally quick. He toys with the shape of his phone idly, considering another. He’s probably being too hard on these guys.

The door to the locker room opens and Buck jumps, his phone comically surging out of his hand and bouncing on his knee before slipping through his desperate fingers.

It skids across the tile floor, stopping mere inches from the boots in the doorway.

Buck’s scared to look but he can’t even decide which is scarier to look at. He glances up – yup it’s Eddie. _Okay, not great_. Maybe his phone landed face down. Maybe it’s already gone to sleep. Maybe it shattered on impact and has died a swift death in an opportune moment.

Buck looks down.

Nope. There’s his phone, cheerily lit up to display Sam or Dan or whoever it was.

_Fuck my life,_ Buck thinks. He lifts a hand to his brow, shielding his eyes.

Eddie might be his best friend – but this isn’t how Buck was planning on _anyone_ finding out.

He hears a slight scuffing sound and then the dependable, easy gait of Eddie crossing the floor.

Eddie clears his throat gently, offering Buck the now dark phone.

Buck allows himself one more second of peace before dropping his hand and taking the phone.

“T-Thanks.”

“You alright?”

“Great!” Buck yelps, far too loud in the small room.

Eddie winces briefly before offering a tentative smile. He sits down next to Buck, almost close enough for their shoulders to brush.

“So…”

“So,” Buck returns.

Neither of them say anything.

“You getting back out there?” The words are casual but there’s something in the undercurrent of Eddie’s tone.

Buck can’t pick it out. Surprise? Hurt?

“Uhm. Yeah. Guess so.”

“Cool. That’s good. You deserve to be happy, Buck.”

Buck’s feeling lightheaded. He suddenly can’t recall if fainting is a side effect of the blood thinners.

“I’m not going to ask if it makes you uncomfortable,” Eddie offers, “but you can talk to me about anything, you know?”

A relieved sort of sigh escapes Buck’s mouth and he can feel his shoulders loosening.

“Thanks, man. I-It’s not that I’m trying to hide it or anything. I just…it’s sort of new? And I…I don’t know the right labels for it – or anything. I just…I uh,” he pauses, clearing his throat, “I think…I like both? Women…and men?”

Eddie blinks at him twice, the tip of his pink tongue darting out to wet his bottom lip quickly.

“Okay,” he says again. “I’m glad you’re taking the time to figure it out. It can be really confusing. Come here.”

He’s leaning closer then, drawing Buck into a warm, comfortable hug before Buck can say anything else.

Eddie rubs his back for a few seconds before his arms drop away and Buck immediately misses the security his partner’s touch offered.

They have to head upstairs for dinner but Buck doesn’t mind the reprieve from awkward conversation.

It’s not until Buck’s driving home that he remembers what Eddie had said.

_It can be really confusing_.

What the _hell_ did that mean?

…

Buck paces for the first fifteen or twenty minutes he arrives home.

He’s trying to convince himself not to text Eddie and ask him for clarification.

If Eddie was going to respect him enough not to pry into Buck’s sexuality then Buck should give him the same courtesy.

But what if Eddie had meant something? And…what if he wouldn’t mind talking about it? How was Buck supposed to know without asking?

**_so when you said it can be really confusing…? <<_ **

Eddie doesn’t answer immediately. Maybe that’s a good thing.

Buck leaves his phone on the couch and goes to take one of the quickest showers of his life. It’s only when he’s changed into pajamas and grabbed a beer from the fridge that he returns.

He’s far too amped to sleep and he’s honestly not sure if he’ll be able to find something to watch or not.

Finally he stops stalling, waking his phone to see a response.

**_> > yeah, figuring that sort of thing out _ **

**_is that hypothetical? <<_ **

Buck sends the text before he can rethink it, or overthink it. Then he spends the next several minutes flipping channels on his TV, wondering why he still pays for cable.

Eddie might already be asleep, he has Christopher to worry about after all.

**_> > nah. figured out I was bi after high school. _ **

“What the _fuck_ ,” Buck hisses to himself.

He’s a hypocrite. He’s just an unfair hypocrite.

Because he feels betrayed. Even though they’d never made it a point of discussing their sexualities…Buck wishes he’d known.

Maybe things would have been different if he had.

Buck looks back down to his phone, wary of letting the silence drag on too long.

**_any advice? <<_ **

**_> > don’t worry about the labels, just worry about what works for you _ **

**_> > and be careful when meeting guys _ **

**_> > it’s not my place probably but…just make sure you trust someone first, ok? _ **

The text messages come in rapidly and Buck finds himself blinking at the screen of his phone in either shock or confusion for what feels like several minutes. The TV plays on in the background as he tries to think of a single possible response.

What did Eddie mean by that? Had something bad happened to him? Or, was he just trying to say men were dangerous?

Buck had his leg crushed by one. He thinks he knows that already.

**_worried I’ll get kidnapped? <<_ **

**_> > it could happen _ **

**_> > more worried about you being taken advantage of though _ **

**_I’m not stupid <<_ **

Buck types this slowly, a frown on his face.

**_> > no I don’t mean that _ **

**_> > just…it doesn’t have to hurt and don’t believe anyone if they tell you otherwise _ **

Buck feels his heart warm and then his cheeks.

**_I’ll be careful <<_ **

**_> > goodnight Buck _ **

Buck sends off a short string of emojis and locks his phone before sitting back.

He wonders why Eddie assumes he’d be the…vulnerable one. But, he finds himself not wanting to ask. Maybe he thinks Eddie and he shouldn’t discuss it explicitly. Maybe he’s afraid Eddie’s got an accurate read on him.

…

Buck doesn’t sleep well.

When he wakes in the morning all he can think about is Eddie.

He shouldn’t. He knows he shouldn’t.

They’re best friends. And partners. And Christopher is the one light in Buck’s life that _never_ dims.

No matter what he wishes for or dreams about… The risk just isn’t worth the reward. He tells himself that sternly before picking up his phone to check the time.

Instead of noticing the time though, he sees he has several notifications and one of them is from Eddie.

**_> > wanna grab lunch with us? _ **

Attached is an extremely cheesy picture of Eddie and Christopher, both grinning into the camera with a thumb up.

Embarrassingly, that’s when Buck remembers it’s Saturday.

**_obviously. what time should I be over? <<_ **

Buck forces himself up and out of bed, using the bathroom. He texts Maddie back with one hand as he brushes his teeth. By the time he’s spit in the sink he’s got an answer from Eddie and over an hour to get ready.

He puts music on and jumps in the shower.

…

Lunch turns into movies back at Eddie’s. That turns into dinner. Dinner turns into Christopher’s puppy eyes and Buck staying for ‘just one more movie.’

Not long after that, Christopher is passed out between them and drooling steadily on Buck’s shoulder.

“Dios mio, he’s like a fountain,” Eddie whispers, chuckling.

“You’re not gonna help at all?”

Eddie takes out his phone and snaps a picture in the dim light. Then, he gently scoops up Christopher and heads for the boy’s room.

Buck grabs some tissues off the coffee table and dabs at his shoulder, smiling even as he does it.

“Sorry about him,” Eddie offers, returning with two fresh beers.

“Don’t be,” Buck says immediately. “You know I love the kid.”

Eddie watches him in silence for a few moments.

Buck has no idea what’s playing on the TV at this point. Still, he glances back at it in a vain attempt not to fantasize about his best friend.

“You doing okay?”

“What? I’m fine.”

“Okay,” Eddie says, half shrugging. “I just wanted to make sure I didn’t blow past any serious boundaries.”

“I mean, it’s not like you offered to fuck me.”

Eddie promptly chokes on his beer, spitting some of it back out.

It scares Buck badly enough that he jerks forward, slapping at Eddie’s back.

“Eds! You okay?”

Eddie coughs three times hard before swiping at his mouth and looking back to Buck.

“I’m okay,” he says. “I wasn’t expecting that.”

Relief courses through Buck and he can’t hold back a loud laugh.

“I guess not. Damn.” The next words slip out before Buck can stop them – later he’ll blame it on the beer and the adrenaline. “But, if you wanted to show me the ropes; I wouldn’t mind.”

For his part, Eddie wheezes.

Struggling to keep up with everything happening, Buck’s brain finally catches up to his mouth. His eyes widen and his throat tightens in something that feels a lot like panic.

“What?” Eddie asks.

_What!_ Buck’s brain protests.

“What?” Buck closes his eyes tightly for a second. He leans forward and places his beer on the coffee table. “Uh. I-I mean. That came out wrong.”

_Nope. No, it definitely did not_.

“It’s definitely. I mean. We work together. It would…” he trails off finally, his hands jerking in a silent _help me_ motion.

“It’s okay,” Eddie supplies. “It would just be sex.”

“Yeah.”

_Was that an offer?_

Somewhere in the back of his mind the Final Jeopardy theme begins to play.

_Did I just accept? Did I just agree to let Eddie fuck me?_

“I-I mean. If we. Did. That.”

Eddie takes a long swallow of his beer before shaking his head slightly.

“It would just be casual.”

He offers the words like an olive branch and Buck feels like the room is spinning.

“Like friends with benefits.”

Honestly, he has no idea why he’s still talking. This is a monumentally stupid idea.

There’s no way he gets out of this without a broken heart. At the same time, how can he give up the opportunity? Even if it’s just once?

“You could show me what to expect,” Buck adds. “Before I…commit to anything.”

“We should lay down some ground rules.”

_Holy shit. We’re really doing this_.

“Uh, okay.”

“If you want to stop at any point, tell me. Even if it’s going to be awkward.”

“Eddie, I trust you with my life every day.”

Eddie shakes his head once, leaning closer.

“This is different.” He takes another sip of beer. “I haven’t kissed anyone since Shannon.”

Buck reaches out, putting a hand on Eddie’s shoulder.

“Okay, so no kissing.”

Eddie drains the rest of his beer before standing and setting his shoulders.

“Let’s go.”

This is still a terrible idea. Buck knows it is.

But that doesn’t stop him from turning the TV off and following Eddie down the hall.

Entering Eddie’s bedroom feels surreal. Sure, Buck’s stepped a foot or two into it before. This is different.

Eddie shuts and locks the door behind him.

Buck curls his toes against the carpet.

“What if Chris-” 

“You can hide under the bed.”

Buck snorts, only half sure Eddie’s kidding.

“Are you planning on taking your clothes off?”

_Oh, shit_.

It still hasn’t really hit him, that this is happening. That Eddie is staring at him with those dark, intense eyes. That he’s waiting for Buck to get undressed and get in bed…

They’ve been living in each other’s pockets for a while now. It’s not like Eddie’s never seen him without clothes. But like Eddie had said – this was different.

Buck takes a moment just to breathe. His hands lift up to the collar of his shirt and he tugs it off before dropping it on the floor. He unbuttons and unzips his jeans, working them down his hips before letting them fall to the floor as well. He steps out and crosses to Eddie’s bed, climbing in.

Eddie goes into his closet and reaches up onto one of the shelves, coming back down with a bottle of lube and a box of condoms. He drops each onto the bed before meeting Eddie’s eyes again.

“Are you sure about this?”

As much as Buck doesn’t want to lie…

“Totally. Are you sure though? Pretty sure this is asking a lot from a friend or a mentor.”

Eddie laughs at that, his eyes crinkling.

“Mentor, huh?”

He pulls his shirt off and advances.

_Oh, yeah. Mentor me all night long._

Buck bites his bottom lip to make sure the words don’t come out.

“Would you prefer coach? _Papi?_ ”

Eddie groans before laughing again.

“You’re such an ass.”

“What?” Buck’s nearly laughing too. “That’s a thing, isn’t it?”

“Shut up before I change my mind.”

Buck salutes quickly before leaning back, resting his weight in his elbows.

“Sir, yes sir.”

Eddie unbuttons his jeans but doesn’t take them off, climbing onto the foot of the bed. He slips his hand between Buck’s knees, splaying them further.

This suddenly feels both very serious and very real. Buck’s breath catches in his chest. Stupidly, he can’t help but think that Eddie was right. He does feel very vulnerable with his legs spread open and a solid weight between them. Dizzyingly, he’s glad it’s Eddie.

“Hey,” Eddie leans closer to whisper. He watches Buck for another moment. “We don’t have to do anything.”

_Right_ , Buck thinks. This is Eddie. He knows Buck like the back of his hand.

“I’m okay. Just…nervous.”

He really wishes that Eddie would kiss him – but that’s the one thing Buck knows won’t happen tonight.

Eddie crawls closer, kneeling between Buck’s spread legs and settling his hands on Buck’s hips.

Buck draws in a deep breath.

It just keeps hitting him again and again. This is real.

Eddie’s hands are hot and huge on his skin and this is _real_.

“You sure?”

“I’m sure,” Buck says, nodding.

He can’t go back now.

Eddie tucks his fingers into the band of Buck’s boxers and tugs them down.

Buck lifts his hips to help and nearly laughs as he has to shimmy out.

“ _Damn_ , Buckley,” Eddie says, letting out a low whistle as he throws Buck’s boxers behind him.

“Shut up,” Buck laughs.

As much as he doesn’t just want to lie there and let Eddie do all the work he also doesn’t exactly know what to do. The bed feels too small for both of them but Buck still wants Eddie closer anyway.

“You’re a little overdressed.”

Eddie shifts back and for a heart stopping moment Buck thinks he’s going to get a blowjob that will be over embarrassingly fast.

“I’ll catch up, don’t worry.”

Buck has to lie back on the pillows, breathing out and then in again.

Eddie’s moved further down the bed but his shoulders are still between Buck’s knees. His fingertips tease the inside of Buck’s thigh and Buck finds himself shifting down and spreading his legs even wider.

Buck nearly jumps out of his skin when something brushes beneath his balls and across his hole.

“I’ve got you,” Eddie reassures him.

His lips meet the side of Buck’s knee and he presses again. His thumb isn’t insistent and it doesn’t press in. Not yet.

It’s almost like he just wants Buck to get used to the idea of it before they go any further.

Buck feels sweat beading at his brow, his heart thumping painfully in his chest. He hears the bottle of lube opening.

The next thing to press against him is cool and slick.

“Relax,” Eddie reminds him.

“I’ve had prostate exams. It’s not like you’re the first-”

“Did you enjoy them?” Eddie questions, cutting him off.

“Uh, no _pe_ ,” Buck lets out, voice going high at the end as Eddie presses a fingertip in.

It feels just as weird as he remembers – only more awkward now that it’s Eddie.

_Fuck. Eddie._

Buck reaches down, wrapping a hand around himself and stroking slowly. He closes his eyes and what feels like several minutes pass while Eddie works him open. Buck has to keep biting at his lip to make sure he doesn’t say anything idiotic.

When Eddie brushes his prostate the first time Buck feels shaky in his skin, much too close to coming.

Eddie repeats the motion and Buck gasps, his hand going still as his hips roll – seeking the pressure again.

“Do you have any idea how hot that is?” Eddie asks.

“Eddie, please…”

“Lie still,” Eddie commands, pressing his free hand to Buck’s hip. “I’ll take care of you.”

It takes a moment, but Buck manages to stop. He has to flex his bad knee with how tense both his legs have been the past few minutes.

“Alright?”

“Yes. Just – please.”

Eddie doesn’t give him what he wants. Instead, he smirks up at Buck.

“You know, I think I like you like this.”

Buck doesn’t know how to take that – or what to say to it. Luckily, Eddie continues before he says anything.

“Begging for me.”

The words are like liquid heat down his spine and when Eddie spreads his fingers before pressing directly on Buck’s prostate again; Buck wants to scream with the pleasure of it. A choked whimper comes out instead, thankfully.

“Eddie…” he can’t stop his hips dipping down, pressing his ass into the mattress.

“I told you to lie still,” Eddie reminds him.

“I want more,” Buck tells him plainly.

“How much more?”

“Everything.”

Buck realizes half a second too late that he’s been entirely transparent.

“Come on, get naked.”

Eddie chuckles, nipping Buck’s calf before sitting back and withdrawing his fingers.

“Yes, sir.”

He shifts backwards out of the bed and stands to open his jeans.

Buck has no choice but to watch raptly as Eddie shoves down his jeans and boxers in one motion.

He’s never considered himself particularly attracted to dicks, not even his own. But there’s something about watching Eddie get completely naked that’s intensely arousing.

His dick springs free of the fabric, hard and flushed red at the tip.

Slowly, Buck lets his eyes rove upward. Over the cut of Eddie’s hips and the soft swells of muscle in his stomach.

_Damn, I’m in love with this man_.

Eddie’s eyes are dark and amused when Buck finally meets his gaze.

Drawing his bottom lip into his mouth and biting down to keep from saying anything, Buck arches a brow and watches him back.

“Ready?” Eddie checks.

“More than.”

The return of Buck’s cocky tone makes Eddie smirk even as he grabs a condom from the box.

Time goes a bit syrupy for Buck and he thinks it’s the adrenaline pulsing through him. He didn’t feel like this the first time he’d had sex.

He didn’t even feel like this the first time with Abby.

He felt…open. And at the same time electric.

Eddie was wrong, Buck didn’t feel vulnerable. No part of him was afraid. Because he knew Eddie would take care of him. But then again, maybe that made Eddie right.

His thoughts grind to a halt as Eddie eases back into the bed.

Eddie crawls forward, settling back on his calves before settling his hands on Buck’s thighs. He strokes up and back down slowly, raising goosebumps in his wake. Then he eases further forward.

Buck thinks he can feel his heart in his throat.

Eddie keeps moving, lying over Buck now. His hands are still on Buck’s legs.

There has never been a moment in Buck’s life since he met Eddie that he wanted to kiss the other man more. He has to keep reminding himself of Eddie’s one rule. He’s doing all this for Buck and all he asked for in return was no kissing. Buck can do that much. He has to.

Eddie’s left hand skims up and over Buck’s hip – skating over the ridges of his ribs and settling on his shoulder. His right hand is mysteriously, thrillingly absent.

“It’s very important that you keep breathing and try to stay relaxed.”

Something cool and slick brushes against Buck and he shivers, bringing his hands up to rest on Eddie’s shoulders.

“I’m okay.”

It’s only half a lie. Probably.

“I haven’t done anything yet,” Eddie teases. His fingertips brush Buck’s neck. “I don’t want to hurt you,” he admits.

“I’m capable of googling,” Buck informs him. “I know it will hurt, but only for a little while. You’ll give me time to adjust.”

“I’ll take care of you.”

Buck can’t help wishing he meant more than this.

The pressure against Buck’s hole grows and he carefully shifts, trying to open his legs wider.

“I’ve got you,” Eddie whispers. “I’ve got you.”

It does hurt. It burns and drives a pained gasp from Buck’s lips.

On top of him, Eddie goes still immediately.

Logically Buck knows that it’s not all of Eddie’s dick inside him. It’s probably not even half. Still, it already feels like so much.

He exhales deeply and inhales again. After another moment he realizes his hands are clutched on Eddie’s shoulders, nails digging in.

“Sorry,” he lets out, loosening his grip.

“You okay?” Eddie’s voice is rough and his jaw clenches as Buck shifts.

“Mmhm,” Buck manages. “Just…take it easy.”

Eddie is gentle, rocking forward with careful rolls of his hips.

Realizing he’s waiting for it to be over, Buck reaches down and strokes himself. He’s going to make the most of this.

Eddie swears above him.

Buck strokes faster, stoking the fire in his gut. The pleasure is chasing away the pain and he nearly laughs in relief.

He can feel himself tightening around Eddie and it’s one of the oddest things he’s ever felt but it’s also good. He feels so _good_.

“You’re going to be the death of me, Cariño,” Eddie breathes. He presses his forehead to Buck’s and exhales.

“Please tell me that’s all of you.”

“Don’t hurt my feelings,” Eddie huffs. “Yes, that’s everything. Be glad you’re not bottoming for yourself, Mr. Firehose.”

Buck snorts before lifting a hand to muffle his giggles.

“Shut up, Eds.”

Eddie braces a hand on the bed and pushes himself up.

Buck groans, bringing his knees up to try and keep Eddie inside.

“I’ve got you.”

Eddie thrusts back in so slowly Buck finds himself biting at his lip again.

“Jesus,” Buck exhales. “That is so…so good.”

The pace Eddie sets is careful and controlled.

It leaves Buck confused over whether he wants more or if he wants this to go on for a few more hours. His toes keep curling and uncurling as the pleasure washes through him. One hand is fisted in the pillow behind his head. Buck keeps his other hand on his dick, stroking faster than Eddie’s thrusts.

“Go on,” Eddie encourages. “I want to see you.”

“What about you?”

“I’m taking care of you, remember? Making sure your first time getting fucked isn’t with a pendejo who will take what he wants whether you come or not.”

The words make Buck’s chest feel too small for his heart.

“I can take it.”

Eddie only clicks his tongue though.

“I don’t want you sore tomorrow.”

He wraps his hand around Buck’s squeezing lightly.

“Come on,” he says again.

It’s nearly enough to make Buck’s eyes roll back in his head. Not just Eddie, though he’s obviously a huge part of it. But the fact that Eddie wants to see Buck orgasm. That’s…that’s doing it for him.

_Fuck it_ , Buck thinks.

He strokes even faster, tightening his legs around Eddie’s waist.

His body winds tighter and grows hotter. He can barely hear Eddie groaning.

But then, it’s like falling off the precipice.

Faintly he thinks he might shout, Eddie’s hand clapping over his mouth a second too late.

Eddie keeps stroking Buck through it until every inch of Buck falls lax against the sheets and he sighs deeply.

It’s only then that Eddie pulls out, as careful with Buck’s body as he’s been the entire evening.

Buck watches as he strips off the condom, hoping absently that he doesn’t have a lovesick expression on his face.

Eddie grips himself, stroking hard and fast kneeling between Buck’s legs. He’s nearly silent when he comes. If it weren’t for the short grunt and the ropes of come landing on Buck he might not have even known.

Eddie collapses down, throwing an arm over Buck and pressing a kiss to his temple.

His weight is welcome.

Buck feels shockingly whole. He closes his eyes as the ripples of pleasure keep running over his nerves.

“We’re a mess,” Eddie mumbles. “Should shower.”

Buck hums in agreement but wraps his arms around Eddie anyway.

“In a minute.”

…

They shower together once they’ve recovered enough to move and Buck doesn’t even think about it before climbing back in bed with Eddie.

He figures cuddles are included if this is supposed to be a good first time.

Eddie doesn’t protest and Buck drifts off to sleep with a smile on his face.

Buck doesn’t know what time it is when he wakes up. He waits – listening.

“Dad?” Christopher calls again.

Buck sits up and Eddie snuffles, waking. 

“Whassit.”

“Go back to sleep,” Buck tells him. “I’ve got it.”

Assuming it was something he could take care of at least.

He pulls his t-shirt on over his borrowed sweats and makes his way down the hall.

“Chris?” he asks, peeking in.

“Bucky?” Christopher asks, delighted. “You’re still here.”

“Yup,” Buck agrees. “You okay, buddy?”

“I’m okay,” Christopher is quick to reassure him. “I wanted a glass of water. I would get it myself but…I’m tired.”

Buck doesn’t doubt him for a minute.

“Alright, I got ya.”

Buck hurries to the kitchen, certain that Eddie won’t stay in bed if he’s not back soon.

Less than a minute later Buck is handing off a small glass of water for Christopher.

“You want me to stay until you fall asleep?”

“Nope. I’m good. Thanks, Bucky,” Christopher tells him with a smile.

“Goodnight, buddy.”

“Goodnight.”

Buck feels light all the way back to Eddie’s room. He even finds himself smiling.

“Is he okay?” Eddie asks, sounding more awake than he did when Buck left.

“He’s fine, just wanted a glass of water.”

Eddie hums.

Buck climbs back into bed, stretching out on his back.

Eddie shifts closer, lifting up to look at him.

“Gracias, Cariño,” he says.

Before Buck has really processed the words Eddie leans in and presses a kiss to the corner of Buck’s mouth.

He flops back down and sighs.

Buck lies perfectly still, unsure what just happened.

_I haven’t kissed anyone since Shannon._

Eddie wasn’t… _that_ asleep, right? He didn’t think Buck was Shannon, did he?

Part of Buck wants to sneak out of bed right then and go back to his place.

He needs space to think.

But, at the same time he’s worried he’ll just wake Eddie up.

In the end, Buck stays in bed. He doesn’t know how long he lies there, wondering if he’s a placeholder for a ghost.

…

Buck is not a coward.

He knows this about himself.

Put him in front of a burning building? He’ll be first in.

Show him an injured person that needs pulled out of a body of water? He’s already diving in.

But waking in the morning next to Eddie…

Buck runs.

What they did last night seems very, _very_ stupid now that the sun is back up.

That was before the whole…kiss. And what did _cariño_ mean anyway?

Parked safely back at his own apartment, Buck rests his forehead on the steering wheel and sighs heavily.

Feeling even more of a coward, he tugs out his phone and texts Eddie.

**_grabbing breakfast with Maddie!! <<_ **

Of course, he isn’t. He’s going inside and going immediately back to bed. Maybe smothering himself with a pillow.

How is he going to face Eddie at work? How is he going to face Eddie ever?

Why was he so stupid?

He couldn’t even blame being drunk.

He could just blame himself being a complete fucking idiot.

Eddie usually stops Buck from doing completely foolish things, but Buck supposes he can’t count on that all of the time.

No, there’s really no one to blame for this but Buck.

Which means there’s really only one thing to do. He’ll just have to man up and power through this.

It’s worked for him 92% of the time.

He’ll be just fine.

Amazingly, Buck manages to keep up a casual conversation with Eddie through the day _and_ remembers to text Maddie that they had breakfast together.

Maddie had given him a bit of shit but he promised to explain next time they saw each other and that gave him a few days to come up with something.

All in all, he’s almost certain this won’t explode in his face.

…

Next shift on Buck wouldn’t bother to deny he’s nervous. He’s nervous right up until he sees Eddie.

Eddie smiles warmly at him, obviously glad to see him.

Any of Buck’s worries just melt away.

This is Eddie. His best friend.

Okay, so yeah. They’d slept together. Most best friends do not do that. But it was just a one time thing.

Now, they could just go back to normal.

…

Except…

Buck forgot how much he didn’t actually like their normal.

He spends a lot of time thinking about Eddie. More than he used to even. Because now he knows what it’s like to actually be _with_ Eddie.

Selfishly, _insanely_ , he wants more.

He does his best to keep up appearances.

For a few weeks, he thinks he’s got it under control.

But like every house of cards – it comes falling down.

…

The next time Buck goes over to Eddie’s is nearly three weeks later – he’d already declined two invitations. He knew he couldn’t go on like this and keep Eddie from becoming suspicious.

Not to mention, Buck misses both Eddie and Christopher.

No matter what Eddie did or didn’t feel for Buck the two Diaz men were his family. He couldn’t give them up.

Buck’s jittery the entire drive over. The tremors only get worse as he makes his way to the door; so much so that he lifts his hand to see if it’s visibly shaking more than once.

_You can do this_ , he reminds himself. _You have to do this_.

There’s an audible cheer from inside when Buck knocks on the door. His lips curl just barely in response.

Instead of Christopher _tap-tap-tapping_ to the door, it’s Eddie that answers.

“Hey,” he offers carefully. “I’m glad you came.” His eyes are still warm and soft.

Buck doesn’t know what he did to deserve that look, but it makes his stomach quiver every time.

“Of course, man. Glad to be here.”

Eddie moves to the side and Buck walks through the gap, Eddie closing the door behind him.

“Bucky!” Christopher cries from the couch.

“Hey, Chris!”

Buck moves to cross to the couch, to the safety of the eager boy, when a firm hand on his arm stops him.

“Drinks first?”

Buck swallows roughly.

He suspects it’s not a suggestion – just like he suspects he hadn’t actually managed to keep Eddie from being suspicious over his behavior.

“Uh…right.”

He follows Eddie into the kitchen, trying to reassure himself that Eddie wouldn’t invite him over just to end their friendship.

Eddie grabs two beers from the fridge before opening the drawer Buck knows contains the bottle opener.

“So?” Eddie prompts. He doesn’t offer anything else.

“So…what?” Buck asks.

He honestly doesn’t know and the last thing he needs to do is put his foot in his mouth.

Eddie takes a beat, still not handing over Buck’s beer.

“How’ve you been?”

Buck nearly sighs in relief, glad Eddie started with a softball.

“Good,” he answers honestly.

_Better now that I’m here_ , he most definitely does not say.

“Okay,” Eddie agrees.

He finally hands opens a beer and offers it to Buck. He seems to consider his own bottle before opening it as well.

“Thought maybe you were avoiding me.”

_Fuck_.

Buck chooses to take a sip of beer, which turns into a long gulp instead. When he looks back down, Eddie’s eyes are on the island they’re bracketing instead of Buck.

“Would you have come tonight if Christopher was at his abuela’s?”

_I’m good_ , his brain offers. Which is not helpful at all. It’s lagging at least thirty seconds behind in this conversation like a new tab in internet explorer.

Eddie seems to read the answer on his face because he continues before Buck can even so much as take another sip of beer as a stall tactic.

“Yeah,” he sighs. “I thought so.”

He takes one step back and then another before leaning his hip on counter the behind him.

“It’s not,” Buck starts before stopping abruptly.

He has literally _no_ idea where that sentence had been going.

“I mean it’s just…” he sighs.

“Awkward now.”

Buck can’t stop himself from wincing and looking away quickly.

Eddie looks earnest as he asks, almost pleads,

“How do we do this now?”

Buck didn’t know how to answer.

“We could-”

This time Buck is saved by Christopher loudly calling for both of them from the couch.

Eddie glances to his son and back. He looks torn between the two of them and Buck wants nothing more than to reach out to his best friend.

He wants to smooth the wrinkles on Eddie’s brow with his fingers. He wants to lean their foreheads together and silently tell Eddie, _I’m here._

Sure, they can’t kiss anymore, but they could have their own ways of communicating.

But Buck was getting lost in his fantasies again. That’s what got them into this mess in the first place.

“We better get over there,” he sighs finally.

Eddie agrees with a silent nod before walking out of the kitchen and away from Buck.

Buck tries not to think of it as symbolic.

Somehow, Buck makes it through the movie and a few episodes of one of Christopher’s favored cartoons.

He gets pulled from his thoughts when Eddie navigates back to the TV menu and announces it’s time for Christopher to go to bed.

“Why don’t you go pick out your pajamas mijo?” Eddie asks.

Buck senses a trap but keeps a careful smile on his face as Christopher makes his way off the couch and toward his room.

Eddie doesn’t waste much time.

“Did you…you know, meet someone?”

Buck squints at him, confused as to why that would make things weird.

“No. Uh. Maybe it’s the online thing but…haven’t really felt any sparks.”

The truth was, he’d deleted the apps.

For now, there wasn’t going to be anyone who would make him stop thinking about Eddie. No one would take care of him like Eddie did.

No, Buck would have to wait for Eddie to meet someone. Then he would have to find a way to move on.

“The experiment wasn’t successful?”

_Oh,_ Buck thinks. _He thinks he hurt me_.

“No,” he says, and hastens to add, “you weren’t an experiment Eddie. You were…amazing.” He takes a quick breath and lets it back out. “I didn’t mean to avoid you. I just…was in my head.”

There are a few beats of silence and Buck thinks that’s the end of it.

Then Eddie speaks again.

“Why?”

Buck’s brain provides nothing for him to say. In fact, all he can think of is the modem dial up sound from childhood.

The analogies with his brain and a failing computer have got to stop.

“Why?” he manages shallowly. “I don’t…uh…”

“You don’t regret it?” Eddie checks.

Even as his cheeks flush with heat, Buck shakes his head.

“Then what is it? Tell me so I can fix it, Cariño.”

_I wish you could_.

But Buck doesn’t know how to put any of it into words.

Surely, it will only make things more awkward. Or, it will make it obvious to Eddie how much of an idiot he is.

Neither outcome is favorable.

“I’m ready for story time!” Christopher calls from his room.

Buck’s off the couch the next second, hurrying toward Christopher’s room without even a glance back at Eddie.

Buck doesn’t revel in the escape for long. He knows he’ll have to face the other man before he leaves.

Maybe that’s why he reads Christopher three books that night. He just wants to make sure Christopher is really, really asleep.

That’s it.

Probably.

As he’d expected, Eddie is waiting for him in the kitchen.

He probably wants to make sure Buck’s not just going to make a run for it. Again.

“It’s pretty late,” Buck offers, lamely.

“Mm,” Eddie hums.

They watch each other for several seconds.

“I’m still waiting for an answer,” Eddie elaborates.

Right. He’d directly asked why Buck had been so cagey.

Buck sighs.

He’d fucked up. Literally. So, the best thing to do was to come clean and ask for forgiveness.

Sure, it was pretty soon after Eddie already had to forgive him for something else, but there’s not much Buck can do about that now.

“Okay,” Buck says. “We shouldn’t have slept together. Not because I didn’t enjoy it – because trust me, I did. But because it changed everything. I don’t even know what I thought I was achieving? I already knew I had feelings for you. Hello gay panic, Kinsey scale, etc. I’m an idiot because I’m pretty sure I’m in love with you, Eds. And I want to go back in time – but not to undo it, even though I know I probably _should_ want that. I just want to go back in time and do it again.”

_And again. And again._

Luckily, his brain chooses to hold this part of the confession back.

Now that his adrenaline is fading, Buck deflates.

He still can’t make himself look at Eddie’s face, focusing on the bit of his exposed collarbone instead.

“In all your google searches, you didn’t see what cariño means?”

If possible, Buck deflates even further.

It’s probably a fancy way of saying idiot or something.

“That’s what you want to talk about right now?” Buck asks, still staring determinedly at Eddie’s collar bone.

Eddie pushes off his stool and in three steps he’s standing right in front of Buck.

“Evan,” Eddie murmurs, terribly soft, “it means _dear_ or _sweetheart_.”

Gently, he tilts Buck’s jaw up and just a tad to the right.

“I know I shouldn’t have taken you to bed if you were unsure about anything. It certainly didn’t help. But…I thought it might be my only chance.”

All Buck can do is blink stupidly at him.

“Can you forgive me?” Eddie asks seriously.

“Can you kiss me?”

He doesn’t remember the last time he felt this fragile. Like handspun glass.

But it’s the only thing his brain provides him.

If this is real… If Eddie means it…

Eddie leans even closer and when his lips settle on Buck’s it feels as if the entire world falls silent.

Just for them. Just for this one, perfect moment.

Eddie pushes up onto the balls of his feet, pressing a dry kiss to each of Buck’s cheeks. Finally, he kisses Buck’s forehead.

“Cariño, stay the night, please. We can talk. And have breakfast in the morning…”

Buck closes his eyes. His cheeks warm even as his heart squeezes in the most exquisite way.

“Okay,” he agrees.

He can’t keep the smile off his face and Eddie smiles right back before taking his hand and leading him down the hall.

…

**Author's Note:**

> rnercutieo on tumblr if you'd like to visit


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